


Cinquante Nuances de Jacques Chirac

by SovietHunter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-06
Updated: 2014-04-08
Packaged: 2018-01-18 10:32:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 4,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1425298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SovietHunter/pseuds/SovietHunter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean receive a call from their good friend Abraham Lincoln requesting their help when strange things start happening near his cabin. So starts another adventure for the Winchesters full or peril, secrets, surprises, friends new and old, and something which will change the world forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Roaming Pony

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nompoetique](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nompoetique/gifts).



> This is a crack fanfic which I wrote with my friend, khoshek-h (tumblr url), for our friend, intern-rob (tumblr) or nompoetique (ao3). None of this is supposed to be taken seriously it just started as a way to pass time in our dull technical drawing and design class, with us taking turns typing out chapters while the other suggests things over their shoulder. Pretty much all typos and grammatical errors are made on purpose. We use a lot of references in here so if you think something is a reference it probably is.

 

          It all started on a windy day when Abraham Lincoln was out walking his pet wolf. Suddenly off in the distance there was a bird, but there was also somebody decapitating Paris Hilton. Abraham thought it was a very picturesque morning until his pet wolf sniffed out a dead body.

     "Oh boy!" said Abraham. "I probably should call the Winchesters. “

     So Abraham finished walking his pet wolf and pulled out his iPhone. He dialed 2 which was his speed dial number for Batman’s Pizza Cave. Once he’d ordered his pizza he called the Winchesters and excitedly, and in graphic detail, explained the murder he had witnessed that morning. Dean agreed to drive to Illinois as quickly as possible, though he apologized to Abraham that it might take a while because Dean would have some trouble getting his moose in the car. Also Dean wanted to stop for pie but he didn’t take the time to mention that.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

     “Come on Samy! We’re gonna be late!”

     “Ugh, I’m coming Deanie, jeez!”

     Sam thought Dean had been being a jerk for a while now. Recently Dean had been eating all the pie, and even when Sam went to steal more pie he found that Dean had already robbed all the convenience stores within a five mile radius of all their pie and alcoholic beverages. Sam was really getting tired of his shit.

     “Stop being such a jerky face Deanie!” Sam exclaimed. “You aren’t the only one that likes them some pie every now and again. ”

     “Well I can’t be a jerky face because I ate all the jerky too.” Dean replied.

     “Chukcdammit Deanie! What’s wrong with you?! Ugh, let’s just get in the impala and go or else we won’t get to Illinois in time.”

     The brothers climbed into their beloved car and set off on what would be the adventure of a lifetime, they just didn’t know it yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by khoshek_h


	2. Quaking Bog

          Being god of pie isn’t easy you know. Especially not when there’s some puny mortal dean-vouring all the pie. Earlier that day one of Piademus’ pie-minions, who unsurprisingly are all shaped like rather large pies, had informed him of a human residing in America who was eating a lot of pie. At first Piademus had been happy, it’s not every you find a mortal so passionate about pie, but the pie-minion soon informed him otherwise. Recently the world pie count had been rapidly decreasing, and they had tracked down the reason for the dwindling number of pies to one Dean Winchester.

          “This is absolutely preposterous how could one mortal eat so many pies?” Piademus raged. “He must be destroyed!”

          “Are you sure you want to take such drastic actions, your grace? He is your most loyal follower,” the pie-minion replied.

           “For that insolence puny pie-minion you will forever talk in a Texan accent and in rhyming couplets! But perhaps you are right. I should not be so hasty to destroy such a lover of pie.”

           “Hmmm Humm don’t be so hasty,” Treebeard interjected.

            “What are you doing here this isn’t your realm go back to Middle Earth. Go chase after your Entwives or something.”

            “Your grace that was rude, don’t have that attitude. Remember your ex-wife; don’t be so dismissive of other people’s strife.”

             “Whatever you stupid pie, that ‘Deeeeeean’ still deserves some form, of punishment! Pie is meant to be shared!”

            Piademus pondered the ways in which he could torture this human, and finally decided on the perfect comeuppance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by khoshek_h


	3. Lincoln Cottage Black

      

             Abraham Lincoln pulled up to the gas station rockin’ his thigh-high boots. He was wearing his favourite leather suit and matching leather stovepipe hat. He left his wolf Shifty at his log cabin and drove to the gas station because the Winchesters were taking way too long to arrive and he was way too cool for them anyway.

          “Abe is too cool for them,” he said in his deep majestic presidential voice. “They should have been here like four score and seven years ago.”

          Even though Abe thought they were being raging douchecanoes, Abe still liked them well enough so he had gone out to grab Dean some pie. Tout un coup, Dean et Sam avait arrivé à la station de l’essence. Dean a eu le même idée comme Abe, et a roulé à la station pour achèter une tarte.

          “Oh, hey Dean,” Abe said but bitchily. “You’re late.”

          “We had to stop and get more pie, but theRE WAS NONE LEFT!” Dean exclaimed.

          “That’s ‘cause you ate it all Deanie!” Sam said but even more bitchily.

          “Well if you wanted some you should have just asked!”

          “I did ask! But you started growling and hissing at me! I wasn’t gonna risk getting Deanie-rabies!”

          “At least I don’t have Samy-cooties!” Dean refuted.

          “Cease this infernal conflict!” Abe interjected majestically. “We should begin our investigation immediately, but first we should travel back to the cabin. Abe has bat-pizza, and Shifty would very much like to see you.”

          “Alright let’s just get the pie and go,” Dean replied.

          “But Deanie you already ate all the pie in this state.”

          “Chukcdammit!”

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

          The boys followed Abe to his secret hideout in the woods. But as soon as the clearing came into view Dean frowned loudly. He stopped the impala at the edge of the glade.

          “No…” He muttered. “No. it cannot be.”

          He cautiously stepped out of the impala.

          “NOO!” He roared. “NOT LIKE THIS!”

          “Deanie, what’s wrong?!” Sam asked worriedly.

          “PICNIC TABLES! MY ONE WEAKNESS!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by khoshek_h


	4. Wet Pavement

            When Abe had first decided to install the picnic tables surrounding his cabin, he had enjoyed them immensely. But seeing Dean’s agony, he promptly went to the garage and grabbed his flamethrower.

          “Abe shall save you citizen!”

          Abraham efficiently torched all the tables in sight leaving behind only the charred remains.

          “That was a close one Deanie. Too close.” Sam remarked. “What a coincidence that these former picnic tables, your one worldly weakness, just happened to be surrounding our so-called ‘friend’ Abe’s cabin.”

          “Abe did not commit such treason, citizen.” Abe said even more majestically than ever.

          “Then who did?”

          “Abe knows not who you are nor how Abe came to find you but may Abe just say, Hi.”

          “That made absolutely no sense, and that’s coming from me the talking moose.”

           “DID YOU JUST QUOTE TANGLED?!?!?!?” Dean exclaimed excitedly

           They all looked at him strangely.

          “I mean…uh…I’ve never seen that movie!”

           “Oh, Deanie.”

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

          “Come noble Winchester bros. let you and Abe return to the task at hand.”

          “Okay, Abe. So what exactly is the situation? Somebody is probably dead, right? And I heard you got Bat-pizza.” Sam said as they entered Abe’s majestic manor mansion cabin with an add-on garage.

          “Wait…Pizza and Batman got married?” Dean inquired.

          “Here good citizens, eat this Bat-Pizza while Abe tells you his tale of woe.”

          The Winchesters sat down on Abe’s couch and happily munched on Bat-Pizza and played with his majestic wolf, Shifty, while he recounted his morning.

          “Hmm…sounds very suspicious. Good thing you called us instead of the police. Can you take us to the body?” Sam stated after Abe finished his story.

          “Of course good citizen, come, Abe shall lead the way. We must get there before the woodland creatures dean-vour the remains.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First half typed by Khoshek_h  
> Second half typed by me


	5. Grey Area

          Abe led the Winchesters to the opening where Shifty and he found the body. Luckily, they arrived there to find the mangled corpse had suffered minimal damage due to woodland creature activity.

          “Here’st is where’st Abe and Shifty foundth the foul looking carcass.”

          “Ok Samy, Let’s get down to business.” Dean replied and with that, he, Abe and Sam burst into a rendition of “I’ll Make a Man out of You” from Disney’s Mulan whilst investigating the glade for clues.

          “Do you see any Blue’s clues Deanie?”

          “No, but I did see a picture over there. Maybe we should Blue Skidoo in there and look for some paw prints.” Then all of a sudden Dean was interrupted by a mysterious sound in the distance.

          “Was that a bird squawking in the distance, Deanie?”

         “No Samy…No. Even worse, a wayward Kazooer.”

          “NOOOOOOO! Quick we must get to safety before we are entranced in his song!”

          “Blue Skidoo, Abe can too!” Abe cried and Blue Skidooed into the picture.

          “Wow, he is even majestic when he Blue Skidoos.” Sam said wistfully

          “Quick Samy we gotta do something!”

          “Well Idk, this is just getting out of hand for me. Call Cas!”

          “Cas, if you can hear us Blue Skidoo us into that picture with Abe!”

           Just then they felt a comforting presence and the Kazooer and his harmonious melody vanished into the silence of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter typed by me


	6. Swanky Grey

     “Cas! Thank Chukc you are here! You saved us from the wayward kazooer!  You’re my hero!” Dean admitted passionately.

     Sam just rolled his eyes like the sassy moose which he embodies. He was soooooooo 57623847239487% done with Dean and Cas’ shit.

     “I heard your summon.” The angle said in his deep gravelly voice, which Dean found very sexy. He stared deeply into Dean’s emerald green princess eyes and then tilted his head quizzically when he surveyed the scene around him. “Why is Abraham Lincoln the sixteenth president of the United States of America and internationally well-known rock star in that painting?”

     “He Blue Skidooed in there to protect himself from the curse of the Kazooer, but now that you are here we are safe!” Sam explained.

     “Yeah, only someone as powerful as you could protect us” Dean said in awe.

     Sam rolled his eyes again (even more bitchily),”But hey, since you are here do you think you could help us out on this case? We are really stumped.”

     “I might as well. It would also be good to see Abraham again. We go back a long time.” 

     “Great, let’s Blue Skidoo on over into the picture so we can brief you on the case!”

     They all walked over to the picture frame and proclaimed. ”BLUE SKIDOO WE CAN TOO!” and soon found themselves inside the glorious painting and Abe, who was sitting in the middle surrounded by a tea set.

    “Abe is glad that you survived the onslaught of the chanson of the Kazooer. Castiel! It is a joy to see you again; a star shines upon the hour of our meeting.”

    “But, there are no stars in this painting.” Cas responded.

     “Did Abe just use a common elvish greeting?” Dean interjected confusedly.

     Cas ignored him. ”Yes, I am glad you survived the Kazooer attack, but I fear that we shall meet him again. There are great forces at work here, ones which I do not have the power to combat.” He said ominously and paused for dramatic effect.” I’m afraid I cannot do this alone. My powers are weakened. We have to call my dunce brother……………………..GABRRIEOOUL.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by me


	7. To Grey or not Gray?

    

     “But CAAAASSSSS,” Dean complained. ”I think you are the most powerfulest angel ever. Besides, I really don’t like Gabriel. He made me die like ten bajillion times. I mean who does that? Only me.”

     “Dean, bajillion is not a word.” Cas and Sam both said bitchly.  

     Cas frowned loudly, “It appears we have no other choice, Abraham?”

     “Abe concurs!”

     “We must gather all the candy we can find and set it in the special angel summoning formation. He will be unable to resist such a temptation.”

     “Great! Let’s steal all the candy from the surrounding stores. Deanie already stole the pie.”

     “Chukcdammit Samy! Why do you have to tell everyone that?”

     “Dean, why are you stealing so much pie? That is very unhealthy for you. You should be more conscious of your diet.”

     “Shut up Cas, you know nothing of the world.”

     “But-“

     “SSSHHHH!”

     Cas rolled his eyes,” Just go get the candy.”

    “Though Abe doest not normally condone violating the law, in this case he does. Go now citizens! Steal the candy, for the preservation of our world!”

     With that, the Winchesters left to pilfer all the candy within the tri-state area. When all the candy was loaded into the Impala they headed back to Abe’s majestic manor mansion cabin with an add-on garage, but they were almost stopped by the police.

   “STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE, JUSTICE LOVE!”

    Dean narrowed his eyes and said dramatically. “There is no justice, just us. Winchester’s out!”

     Then a very dramatic car scene took place ending with the cops all of a sudden disappearing for no good raison.

     “Phew, glad we got out of that alive. You really need to work on your driving Deanie.” Sam said as they arrived at the clearing.

    “We don’t have time to worry about that now. Quick we must summon that jerk face Gabriel!”

     The Winchesters gave Cas the candy. He arranged it into the proper formation and started chanting the summoning spell.

     “Fly-hi-dee, try-hi-dee, my-hi-dee-ho, Sky-hi-dee, fly-hi-dee, why-hi-dee-go”  

      Then with a flash of light and a burst of music a figure appeared with a smirk, “Hey baby bro.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by me


	8. Gauntlet Grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the part where typos officially started to be ignored

          “Gaber, it is good of you to have arrived.” Responded Castiel.

          “Well how could I not when there is so much candy! But where is the pie”

          “Deanie ate all of it.” Intergected Sam intelligently

          “SAMN YIOU DAM!!! STOP TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT MY ISSUES! THIS IS A FAMILY MATTER.”

          Castiel rolled his eyes like a sassy teenager “Back, to the matter at hand-“

          “ABE IS GLAD TO MEET YOU GABER.”

          “Abraham nit now.” Castiel said exasperatedly

          Abraham proceeded to knit a sweater for the upcoming winter.

          “Gaberial, my borther, we need your help. Forces are at work which we do not yet fully understand.”

          “Ah yes I can sence them, at first I thought it was just Piademus’ majixs…”

          “DID YOU SAY PIE!?!?!?!?”

          “Sit down Deanie! Cas is trying to tell Gaberielle something important!”

          Dean gasped. “Cas I’m so sorry! Please forgive me! Do you still love me?????”

          Just then Abe stood up and the forest got eerily dark. Using his presedential powers he commanded all of the light to fall upon him.

          “Abe implores all  of you to sit back down and let Castiel and Gabriel discuss the situation. The fate of the world rests in our hands!”

          Everyone was entranced by how majestic Abe was, his manly beard flowing in the wind. They all sat down.

          “Anyway,” said Gariel,”It’s not just Piademus’ amgic, although he is mad at Dean for eating all the pie. Dean shut up! As I was saying, there are dark forces at work here which we must investigate. I fear the fate of the world is in peril!”

          “What do you suggest we do?” Questioned Castiel

          “I have a few theories about what could be going on. There are two locations we must investigate. The first is a super top secret magical cave in a super top secret place, the second is a warehouse in current Soviet Russia.”

          “Wait wait wait.” Intergected Sam,” CURRENT Soviet Russia?!? That’s a thing???”

          “Yes,” replied Gubriel but omi nously “It is very grave. They are trying to take ovedr the world. Again.” *dramtic musik plays*

          “Anyways,” he continued “ because of the top secret location Cast and I will go to the cave. I will send Sam and Dean to Russia. Abe we need you to stay here and look majestically beautiful, you are the only one who can do it.”

          “Abe will, citizen.” And he stroke a majestic pose

          “Awwww. But I wanted to go with Cas.”

          “No Dean, you have not earned those privleges, maybe after you clean up your act and stop eating so much pie. Alright gang let’s split up! Sam, when you and Dean want to return from  current Soviet Russia you must say these words ‘kanoodly-doodly’ whilst braiding the mane of the most beautiful unicorn in all of Russian.”

          “We’re gonna need some hairties for that.” Said Sam before him and Deano the Beano vanished in a flash of vibrant light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by me


	9. Jekyll grand dining sea mist

          In a flash Samiel and Dan were suddenly standing in deep deep snow in the middle of a current soveit Russian forest.

          “We need to get to town” Sam, the more responsible one, said.

          “sami did abe happen to tell you where this warehouse actuaally is?”

          “no. well frick frack knick knack crick crack quarterback snap back how r we supposed find this warehouse??”

          “idk maybe its that one right behind you.”

          Sma turned around and saw the giant warehouse towering out of the trees

          “that would be the one.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed khoshek_h.


	10. Pewter tankard

          CAssiel and gabey finally reached the cave at the top secret location of top secrecy, and entered cautiously.

          “Hello?” Gabe called

          Slowly a  dark figure emerged from the darkness of the cave. As the figure stepped into the light Cas and Gab could see it was . .. . . . . .. .THE WAYWARD KAZOOER.

          “GET AWAY FROM US YOU FOWL SIREN, WE WILL NOT BE ENTRANCED BY YOUR HARMONIOUS MELODIES”

          “no. do not be afraid my angleic friends,” the kazooer assured. “I only wish to know the purpose of your prescence in my humble abode.”

          “WE WILL NOT BE FOOLED, THIS IS A TRICK! WE WILL NOT FALL FOR YOUR DEADLY TRAP! NEVER AGAIN!”

          “fine you caught me,” the kazooer sighed, “but my master plan is working, there are no clues here to solve the mystery you ae investigating, there aRE NO BLUES CLUES HERE. This was only a distraction so I could separate you from sam and deen! By now they will be in grave danger and you will never get back to current soviet Russia in tiem to save them!” he laughed evilly, like really evilly, like step on a kitten evilly.

          “WE MUST AWAY!” the angles said in unison, and they teleported away to find same and deane.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

         

          While this dramatic drama was going on, Abe continued to pose majestically with his pet wolf shifty standing loyally by his side. All at once every person in the entire world had a strange sense of jealousy they didn’t know this, but it was their collective subcontious’ jealousy of Abe’s majesticness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by khoshek_h


	11. Blind Date

          The nobel Winchester bros. made their way towards the dark, gloomy, blind date gray, full of ominousness and warehouse warehouse.

          “This place looks abandoned Deanie.”

          “DAMNIT! That menas that there wo not be any pie!”

          “Deanie you need to go to pieaholic anonymous.”

          “No Sami I don’t need a sponser!”

          “I will start looking for one online!” exclaimed SAM as he brought out his fancu shamncu Bat-Phaone to surf the Worlf Wife Wef and using his amazinf moosey powerrrz.

          Dean started to sing “…You tryn to make me go to rehab but I say no no no.” Along with a choreographed dance sequence with the Ents.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

          Piademus checked his pi-phone. He had a request to be a sponser for a piaholic. Even though Piademus was the god of pie and loved pie he understood that sometimes things went a little to far and he was such a good god that he decided to help out his loyal disiplies as best as he could.

          “Look at this!” exclaimed Piademus “A sponser request from a Sam Winchester to help out his piaholic brother Dean Winchester. Could this be the very Dean Winchester who ate all of my pies????? I must accept so that I can get close to him and DESTROY HIM”

          “Sir, are you sure about that? Those Winchesters have a habit of turning things like us flat.”

          “Of course I am stuuuuupid Texan accent pie minion! You understand nothing about the matters of Pies and Piaholics! Be gone from my sight!”

          And with that the Pie minon vanished, to wherever Piademus sent him for the time bean.

          “Now Dean Winchester, prepare yourself for the biggest comeuppance of all! MWAHAHAHA!”

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

Back at the warehouse….

          Sam and Dean opened the goors to the warehouse.

          “Yoo-hoo?” said Sam

          “I don’t think anyone is here Sami…” said Dean disappointedly, “I guess we let Cas down…Now he will never love me.”

          “yoo-hoo big summer blow out!” a voice said from a corner of the arehouse

          “Where did that vpice come from?!?!” exclaimed Sam

          “HERE!” All of a sudden a bunch of hipsiters jumped out 15 minutes late with Satrbucks cifee. They surrounded the Winchester Bros. with their intricately carved carrot knives unique to each individual.

          “The line ends here WINCHESTERS.”

          “OOOOOOH SHIIIIIIT.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by me


	12. Rope

         “Move along Winchesters!”

          The hipsters  shoved the brothers down a dark corridor lined with antique wallpaper and hung with artistic polaroids, their sharp carrot knives pressed into the boys’ backs. They were herded into a small dimly lit room. A table and two small chairs occupied the centre of the room, and they were ordered to sit.

          A tall sharply dressed bearded youth entered the room, his haze fixed on the iphone in his hand.

          “So,” the youf said without looking up, “what are you two atrociously dressed gentlemen doing in hipster territory”

          “atrocious!? This jacket is real leather, very stylish.” Dean protested

          “alright whatever you say. Just give me a good reason as to why you were on our grounds, this is ancient hipster territory, it has been occupied by this group since before it was cool.”

          “Look, we don’t have any conflict with you.” Sam tried to reason, “we didn’t know it was your territory. Our investigation has led us here; please we don’t want any trouble.”

          The door to the room creaked open and another hipster strode in and whispered something to the bearded boy. The messenger hipster exited and the bearded one fiddled with his iphone for another five minutes, peering at the bright screen through ironic nerd glasses. Finally Dean had had enough of waiting.

          “If youre going to interrogate us why don’t you get started! We don’t have all day.”

          “On the contrary,” replied the bearded man. “I have all the time in the world, for you see, my brethren have successfully captured the most beautiful unicorn in all of current soviet Russia! Finally we can take selfies with the magnificent beast! Anyway, we need to get down to business.”

          “No no singing!” interjected Dean “We already did that!”

          “ Beofre us!” A brethren hipster exclaimed “ICONCIEVABLE!”

          “For that boys,” said the bearded man with malice “Let the torture begin.” And he grinned evil.

          The head honcho hipster had genital herpes, which spread through the entire hipster community and his breathern but also he had his brethren go get torture devices.

          “Here” he said “eat PIE.”

          “NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

          “YES?”

          “Let them eat pie.”

           The hipsters then proceeded to start force feeding the Winchesters pie. All kinds of pie pecan, strawberry,  chocolate, apple, watermelon, starfruit, pinapple, banana, shrimp, water, and child. Then the hipsters started to dance and chant in a language you have never heard of )probably latin( and played music by bands you’ve never heard of on record players.

         “Whayt are you doing?!?!” Dean said alarmedly

         “We are beginning the ritual! To turn you into hipsters and join us!”

        “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOO!”

         “Now for the final step! To feed you hipster glasses pie!”

        The Winchesters scremed in terror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by khoshek-h


	13. Amazing Gray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you haven't figured out by now. There is no rhyme or reason to the size of the 'indentations'

          The hipsters advanced on the Winchesters. One held a pie aloft. Another a knife. Tgey put the pie on the ground  and the other stabbed the knife into the pie.

         “We did sadistic pie rituals before it was cool!”

          “Dude statistic pie rituals still aren’t cool!” exclaiked Dean

           “And according to Garbirle Piademus the Pie God will get mad at you!” added Sam

              “Shut up!” said the hipster. 

           Just then they heard a thunder and saw a flash of light outside of the warehouse. Everyone ceased their activities. The ground started to shake.

         “WAIT FOR IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!” A voice yelled from outside.

         Just then the doors flew open and a man tumble rolled in holding multitudes of pineapples. It was none other than Shawn Spencer.

         “Are you a fan of delicious flavor?!?!?!?”

          The hipsters rushed to attack him with htier carrot knives but he then proceeded to throw pinapples at all of the hipsters, knocking them out. Some pineapples even exploded. Soon enough all of the hipsters were taken out. Then they vanished into thin air.

        “That’s what you get for disgracing pie and delicious flavor!” he yelled then he untied the Winchesters and vanished.

       “He’s just like the wind,” said Dean amazadely“Here one minute, gone the next, and without any warning or reason.”

         “Of course maybe if you watch the weather channel.” Pointed out Sam

        “Shut up Sami, there is no such thing as a SHAWN SPENCER CHANNLE.”

       “ugh just forget it Deanie…. Deanie where did you go?”

       Sam found Dean eating all of theleftover pies which he had deemed ‘good’ and ‘worhty of bein called pie’

       “Damnit Deanie that is it we are meeting with your new sponser as soon as we get back!”

        “No Sami you can’t control my life!”

      “Let’s just investigate a bit then find that unicorn so we can abscond the fuck out of here.”

     Dean looked back at the pie.

    “…It means we can see Cas again?” Sam suggested hopefully

    Dean smiled “Of course how could I forgot! But pie and Cas.. such a hrd decision.”

      “DEAN FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID GODDAMNED FUCKING PIE.”

       “NNNNNNNOOOOO.”

        Sam then dragged Dean out of the Pie room until he calmed down.

       “I’m okay now Sami you can let me down.”

          “You Pinkie promise?”

       “Yes I Pinkie promise.”

        “Fine.”

       Sam let Dean down.

      “Let’s investigate!”

      The Winchesters proceeded to investigate the warehouse.

      “Look Deanie I found something!” said Sam holding up a dusty rectangular device.

      “Could it be?” said Dean ”What we’ve been looking for this whole time???”

       The rectangle was actually an i-phone. An ANCIENT I-phone, like i-phone 1. It had ancient engravngs on it and on the screen was a text convo entitled….

“How to unlock the gates of Hell and set free all of the wrongfully condemmed souls.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by me


	14. FUNctional Gray

          Daen and Sum were astoundeded that they had found the way to unlock hell. They pocketed the device and decided to find the unicorn so that they could braid its hair and get back to the others. Finally they found the wondrous beast and they proceeded to braid its shiny mane and speak the magic words “kanoodly-doodly”.

          Suddenly they were back in the forest that they had begun their current soviet Russia journey in.  They saw through the trees the two brother angeels appear.

          “CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!” deanie weanie exclamated.

          “DEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!” cassie wassie also exclamated.

          “Come on my friends, no time for pleasantries, we should get back to Abe, hes waiting for us.” Gabrel annoucnced.

          All the friends teleported back to where Abe was still standing there, majestically, making the whole world jealous of his awesome magnitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was typed by khoshek_h


End file.
